Would you want to read more?

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Would you want to read more?

Post by AnonONIagent on Thu Jul 14, 2016 12:37 pm

So, I've been writing a new introduction for my Halo expanded universe, Demons of Hope, and I wanted to get some feedback on how good of a job my introduction does at piquing the reader's interest. Since I doubt many of you here are into Halo, I thought you guys would be a perfect test group.

So, please read the following and give me some feedback on how well it holds your interest, and whether or not it makes you interested to read more.





Not long ago, humanity knew of no sentient life aside from itself. Threatened solely by internecine conflict brought about by the challenges of effectively governing across the vastness of interstellar space, we lived in blissful ignorance of the realities of the universe around us.
That all changed in November of 2525.

Harvest, a farming colony home to over three million people, went dark overnight. Inevitably, we sent a fleet to investigate. What we found in Harvest's place was a lifeless orb of melted slag, frozen solid by nuclear winter. Orbiting it was a vessel unlike anything humans had ever laid eyes upon. And this vessel carried with it a message.

"Your destruction is the will of the Gods. And we are Their instrument."

Thus began a genocide on a scale like nothing we had ever dreamt possible.

This alien foe, calling themselves "The Covenant", scoured space for any sign of human life, so that they could scorch it from existence, leaving entire planets nothing more than barren balls of glass. Slowly they encroached upon Earth, and outside of a handful of hollow, costly victories, it seemed mankind would soon be naught but dust and echoes, a mere memory fluttering away in the solar winds of an uncaring galaxy.

Yet, in spite of this grim outlook, a glimmer of hope remained.

Officially, they called us SPARTANs. Child soldiers, kidnapped from ordinary homes and brought up to be superhuman killing machines, we had been meant to put down human insurrections. But the Covenant would come to know us as demons: unstoppable tidal waves of death that carved through their ranks, leaving only bodies and wreckage in our wake. Armed with only the best equipment and training that the human race could offer, we could fight toe-to-toe with our superior alien foes and win.

Naval intelligence propaganda made us out to be beacons of hope; mighty paladins standing between humanity and extinction. But in truth we fought a bitter, thankless fight against a seemingly insurmountable threat, carried onward merely by the hope that if we fought hard enough we could live to fight another day. Fame meant nothing to us.

But even so, it's time we put an end to the lies. Enough of the half-truths, enough of the propaganda. It's time humanity knew the truth.

The true story of the demons who gave humanity hope.


Last edited by AnonONIagent on Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:00 pm; edited 1 time in total

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"Heralds of the coming doom, by cry of raven, we are drawn. This oath of war and vengeance, on blade of exalted iron sworn. With blood-anointed swords aloft, advance we into dread's dark shade. Punishment divine unleashed with hate, a wrathful storm of bolt and blade. Purge with plasma, fist, and shell; bring cleansing fire's righteous breath. For the Emperor, knights of Caliban! The Lion's anointed Angels of Death! No forgiveness. No retreat."

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by CinnamonPearl on Thu Jul 14, 2016 2:45 pm

It's pretty good so far. However, you want to work on your diction and syntax to make your writing sound more sophisticated. Your word arrangements are a bit weird to read at some points, so try and work to make your writing more flowing. I also think it would be more grabbing if you used more emotional language; it's very bare bones right now.

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by AnonONIagent on Thu Jul 14, 2016 2:53 pm

Thanks for the feedback! I'll do my best to improve that stuff; I already have a few ideas on how to spruce up my word choice a bit.

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"Heralds of the coming doom, by cry of raven, we are drawn. This oath of war and vengeance, on blade of exalted iron sworn. With blood-anointed swords aloft, advance we into dread's dark shade. Punishment divine unleashed with hate, a wrathful storm of bolt and blade. Purge with plasma, fist, and shell; bring cleansing fire's righteous breath. For the Emperor, knights of Caliban! The Lion's anointed Angels of Death! No forgiveness. No retreat."

My current mice: Sally (PEW), Sarah (PEW), and Selina (Broken Black)

Rainbow bridge: Molly (PEW) and Lucy (Brindle)
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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by CinnamonPearl on Thu Jul 14, 2016 3:05 pm

No prob Rob!

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by AnonONIagent on Thu Jul 14, 2016 9:01 pm

OP has been updated with new version.

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"Heralds of the coming doom, by cry of raven, we are drawn. This oath of war and vengeance, on blade of exalted iron sworn. With blood-anointed swords aloft, advance we into dread's dark shade. Punishment divine unleashed with hate, a wrathful storm of bolt and blade. Purge with plasma, fist, and shell; bring cleansing fire's righteous breath. For the Emperor, knights of Caliban! The Lion's anointed Angels of Death! No forgiveness. No retreat."

My current mice: Sally (PEW), Sarah (PEW), and Selina (Broken Black)

Rainbow bridge: Molly (PEW) and Lucy (Brindle)
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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by CinnamonPearl on Thu Jul 14, 2016 10:19 pm

Whoa! That's a major improvement! The writing feels a lot better on the tongue and is much more engaging now. I love it.

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by CAPSLOCK on Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:53 am

Ah, I read it then read the first comment and thought "wow, I thought there was already good variation and phrasing"... Then saw that it is the edited version.

I think it is a good beginning - it gives the gist of the background and who we are talking about. And leaves me interested in how the story will flesh out.

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by Artistwolf on Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:34 pm

Same, CAPSLOCK. Lol
I like it! Sounds interesting.

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by CinnamonPearl on Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:50 pm

Honestly all I know about Halo lore is what I pick up from Red vs Blue, so this was an interesting read.

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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by AnonONIagent on Fri Jul 15, 2016 10:46 pm

@CinnamonPearl wrote:Honestly all I know about Halo lore is what I pick up from Red vs Blue, so this was an interesting read.

Red vs. Blue, while it does have some crossover with Halo, actually for the most part has its own lore. Stuff like the Freelancers don't exist in Halo proper.

Anyways, thanks for the feedback everyone. If you guys are interested in more, I'll leave a link to the Demons of Hope project here. However, as for stuff written and created by the professionals, I'd recommend Halo: Evolutions, a collection of short stories set in the Halo universe. In particular, check out the story Dirt by Tobias Buckell.

There are also some great trailers and promotional material for Halo:





There's also Halo 4: Forward Unto Dawn, a miniseries made to promote the game Halo 4. You can watch the whole thing here:


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"Heralds of the coming doom, by cry of raven, we are drawn. This oath of war and vengeance, on blade of exalted iron sworn. With blood-anointed swords aloft, advance we into dread's dark shade. Punishment divine unleashed with hate, a wrathful storm of bolt and blade. Purge with plasma, fist, and shell; bring cleansing fire's righteous breath. For the Emperor, knights of Caliban! The Lion's anointed Angels of Death! No forgiveness. No retreat."

My current mice: Sally (PEW), Sarah (PEW), and Selina (Broken Black)

Rainbow bridge: Molly (PEW) and Lucy (Brindle)
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Re: Would you want to read more?

Post by Barbiefly on Sun Jul 31, 2016 9:48 pm

I love Halo, my husband and I play it and always looks forward to the next version. I really like what you've written
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